LOVES GONE WRONG

Damn I realized that my love life have been nothing but crap. What is love really? does anybody really knows to describe it? All the females that I ever fell for except for one Has done nothing but fucked up my emotions as a man. Shouldn't love be a great feeling that captivates your mind, body, and soul at the same time? right? sigh.. I feel as if all my experiences with my definition of so called "love" has rendered me incapable of ever falling in love again. Now this doesn't mean that I go out and just fuck every piece of ass that comes my way because I'm not that guy at all, I simply just cannot find an emotional connection with any of my partners anymore. Yes it's really sad.
It all started at 15 when I fell for a Dominican. Now this was by far the worst of them all because it was the longest. 2 and a half years to be exact. She was perfect in every way. Great personality, very intelligent, and very sexy. we met our first week of high school in dance class and the rest was history. Yes it was somewhat that love at first sight type of thing. everything was great until until she got drunk and sex with one of my friends at a party. what made it even worst, he recorded the whole thing on his camera and showed it to me because I had so much trust in her that no matter how much people told me it happened I would never question her because I loved her and I knew she loved me and would never do it. But after seeing the tape, I was obviously wrong. Yes she would try to apologize and ask for forgiveness but it was not going to happen. so I ended it right away.
Then came the Light-skinned African from Ghana. Beautiful female lox, great body, great smile, Just a pure DYME. We met at the Milford mall in CT, she was very stubborn and hard to get but onces the dust settled we fell in "Love" with each other. This was story book greatness. Nothing could keep us apart. For 9 months we were perfect. Until her father died and she had to move back home. This left me crushed, dismantlement, and devastated.
Then came the Brooklyn girl, or you can say I found her. I can't really explain how I fell for this one, but she was there for me when I was at my lowest. She's also what most men would call damaged goods. Someone took her heart, crushed it, swallowed it, and spit it out. So she became an explorer so to say, trying to find herself and self worth. She was very intelligent, sweet, and pure hearted. Honesty was her best quality. Needless to say we became infatuated with each other. I was also a shoulder she could cry on as she was to I. She was not able to let go of her past,so that she can try to create a new future. So I was in love all by myself. I would have done anything for this relationship to work, but in the end I was left alone.
Now for every female that comes my way, they receive a cold shoulder from me. I refuse to make the mistake of taking my heart lightly. Every love experience I had went terribly wrong. So no female will have it easy when it comes to dating me. Love will not come quick. and I will not be vulnerable. My heart has officially became an Ice box, and it will take a while to thaw out.

MY SOUL

So today I should be having fun tricking people and clowning around yelling april fools right after. sorry world thats not the case today, I'm pretty much in a Gloomy mood trying to handle what today really is to me. Today is the day that a shining star was Born. on that unusually snowy April day at Yale New Haven Hospital when his mother put that death grip on my hands while pushing out my little man. I was a young teen and scared but I was so happy at the same time. After 45 minutes of screams, first came the head then the rest followed. It was like magic, something I've never seen before. I remember thinking this my life, my all, my everything. Nothing came above him, no female not even my own motha, I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN SEE MY LITTLE MAN SUFFAH! my world revolved around his existence.

I DEDICATE THIS TO THE MEMORIES OF MY SON
ONLY GOD KNOWS
Theres an..empty space where my heart use to be..
I was destroyed when they brought the news to me..
to this day I still refuse to see..
how could it be..
your gone away from me..
I wonder how..I wonder where..
did you go so early in the year..
did you know just how much I cared??
and how I thank you for always being there.........
Its like my whole world just disappeared...
remember when you saw how your face would drow..
you use to cry when i was leaving cause you loved your daddy so..
now its my turn to cry while watching you go...
its been a pleasure all those years..
while watching you grow..
forever more I'll be LOVING YOU SO!!!!

ONLY GOD..KNOWS..
ONLY GOD..KNOWS..
WHY MY SON IS GONE..
WHY HIS MEMORY LIVES ON..
ONLY GOD..KNOWS..
ONLY GOD..KNOWS..
WHY YOU'RE NOT AROUND..
BUT YOU'RE SMILING DOWN.......

Lord I know you are a just God
Anything weh happen inna life a strictly must God
Devil want wi feel right away like you're the wurst God
But I and I a trust God..

IN MEMORIES OF MY GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN SOUL "MIGUEL AKEEM PORTEOUS" (April 1, 2006 - Sept, 24 2009)

My Life is a Movie

My life in many ways can be consider a Box Office movie. labels such as Thriller, Drama, action and comedy can easily describe what you would see in my on screen biography. but what you people can't see is the most important aspect of me, "My Thoughts". Is it hard to figure me out? I would say yes. That's why I like to watch my close friends try. The techniques they try it with are clever I must admit. But the fact of the matter is, "i'm one confusing son of bitch". its best not try and read or understand, but to accept me. Maybe then you can get a glimpse of what I'm thinking.

Today My name is Akeem, also known as Denio Luciano. I am 19 years old. I am an entrepreneur. my work consist of Music producing, Promoting, and Fashion. I make a net amount of $14,000 per month. No I do not own my own home, but I Have 2 apartments which I pay for monthly, one in Greensboro, North Carolina and the other in Miami, Florida. I've traveled to countries in all continents except Africa and Antarctica. Now let me guess, you think i'm just another Brat that came from money and was fed from a gold spoon my whole life..lol..your dead wrong!

I was born Akeem Courtney from Tivoli Gardens Kingston Jamaica. I didnt meet my father till i was five years old. to this day I have not met my real mother because certain people decided that, that is a secret they will take to their graves. I for a few years was raised in the Slum, Not Ghetto! THE "SLUM". then the woman who raised me as her own son worked up enough money to ship me off to South London, UK. maybe now you think this is where my life got better, NOPE, your wrong again. I lived in Brixton London. If you don't know about that place look it up. its was as ghetto as it gets. Then a few years after that I was shipped off to New York City with my Father who was a semi successful owner of a trucking company. maybe now you think my life got better? NOPE, wrong again. My father beat the shit out of me every day for 4 years str8. sometimes it was drunkness and sometimes he was just bored. and I'm not talking about belts. I mean 2by4 wood, cable and phone wires, and even wire hangers, theres alot more but thats enough to chew on for now.

My life got better when at age 15 with a bullet slugged in my side that came from my fathere gun made me realize I aint taking shit from no one no more. I picked a gun and fired four shots my father's fat ass. I did hit him with 3 but surprisingly he survived. after spending 11 months in Jail I came out a new person, I had a plan to make my life better. I started writing Music and selling Drugs to make money. By the time I was 17 years old I had a writers deal with Island def Jam. and from then on my life has been, how could I put this? "BETTER". OH lots happened in between all of this that could of put me in an insane asylum, but I've kept strong.

Now tell me, is this a movie you would like to see???

What I Want From A Woman

No time for explanations so lets Skipp the formalities. As a real man I'm looking for a real woman, One who is intelligent, honest, mature and willing to do for others without thought of herself. An Independent woman is a plus but at the same time she has to be level headed and willing to put her pride aside for her man. also she has to be fun, energetic and willing to step out of her comfort zone once in a while and show her immature side; when appropriate of course. is there such a female on earth? I do not know. So far every woman I have been with has been a complete let down.

I have been 100% percent honest in my past relationships, and it seems that has been a total mistake. For every female I speak to nowadays its like a screening process. there is no chance of heartache because they cannot get that close me, my wall is too tall to climb and my mountain is too rugged to hike. Slowly but surely I'm getting over my last love, but its no easy road to walk. she holds a special place in heart that is reserved for a lifetime.

Many things that were normal day by day to me are now looked upon differently. For example sex which was an easy escape to pleasure and comfort. I now see as a privilege. the connection and emotional bond between two individuals during sex, I now think should be held sacred between the two. these feelings should not be taking advantage of. for a man to penetrate a female means that at that moment they become one with each other. a flow of lustful emotions charges both bodies and starts an experience that should be memorable.

My woman should be able to try and understand these things. Now again I ask. IS THERE SUCH A WOMAN IN EXISTENCE? or is all hope lost?

I'M CONFUSED

Last Wednesday on February 3rd, 2010 I landed at PTI airport in Greensboro North Carolina at 9:50 p.m. by way of Fort Lauderdale Florida. My friend Kevin who picked me up suggested that we go out and have some fun, so I agreed. After the party, while heading back to my apartment I was completely drunk. Kevin who was not, was the designated driver. About 5 minutes away from my place I felt the car sliding. {there was ice on the freeways from the night before when it snowed}. the car proceeded to turn and twist before completely flipping over, then it rolled off to the side of the freeway. I remember while it was flipping I wasn't thinking about living or dying. My thoughts were "Mommy and jaren I'm sorry, Mommy and jaren I love you". At the hospital I flat-lined. And after countless tries with a defibrillator I was shocked back to life.I woke up Thursday afternoon with a broken clavicle, 3 broken ribs, badly bruised muscle tissues in my right shoulder and a minor concussion. But being told that I died and came back didn't bother me at all. What did it for me was being told that kevin will never walk again and it would take up to 8 months before he fully recovers. Its has been eating at me to know that my friend will never walk again, now a little over an hour ago I found out that he died. I am sitting here with tears flowing down my face in complete disbelief. WHY DID MY FRIEND HAVE TO DIE? WHY NOT TAKE ME? WHY DID I HAVE TO COME BACK? WHY DIDN'T I STAY DEAD? I'm so confused. Kevin was an athlete who always did the right thing no matter what and he was not speared. I sin, I drink, I fornicate, I have stolen, I have cheated and I have lied. But yet I was saved and he was taken. WHY? Why am I so special that rather than a good clean hearted person? what have I done that was worth me living? The one person I care about most in this world doesn't even want to be with me! I am so CONFUSED!!! why him and not me. I was as good as gone so why did you allow me to live? I guess even death isn't good enough for me.

REST IN PARADISE KEVIN, I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!

HEARTBREAKER (Lyrics)

CHORUS: she's nothing to me but a heartbreaker.....
I had nothing but love for this girl but now I hate her.....
BABY I... thought that one day this would be.....
But right now I want it to be you without me.....

VERSE#1 baby I'm not trying to be a Jerk...
Do you really think that your the only one hurt.....
Yes I did a few things wrong....
If I didnt then I wouldnt have wrote this song
Try looking at things from my point of veiw...(echo)
IF YOU DID! you'd blame most of this on you....
Baby I TRIED! Doing my part...........
But in the. your the one that broke my heart...............

CHORUS: she's nothing to me but a heartbreaker.....
I had nothing but love for this girl but now I hate her.....
BABY I... thought that one day this would be.....
But right now I want it to be you without me.....

VERSE#2 She said that she wasnt ready to love me.....
felt like she talking to every guy except me.......
At the end she got mad cause I pointed out the truth.....
I should be the one mad cause I really felt used....
I tried to even out those rainy day.......(echo)
As if I could magically take the clouds away......
This is how I felt inside.......
I just wished it was over when I opened up my eyes......

CHORUS: she's nothing to me but a heartbreaker.....
I had nothing but love for this girl but now I hate her.....
BABY I... thought that one day this would be.....
But right now I want it to be you without me.....

VERSE#3 I thought that we would have chemistry.....
If I could add you, subtract the rest that was me.....
I WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE!!!!.......
I didnt know you were the one blaming me....
Now I no choice but to move on......(echo)
Get my mind off of you girl and just write my songs....
This song just might make you cry.......
But I dont care how You feel inside......

CHORUS: she's nothing to me but a heartbreaker.....
I had nothing but love for this girl but now I hate her.....
BABY I... thought that one day this would be.....
But right now I want it to be you without me.....

NEW ME

Now do not take the new me out of context. I'm still the same me, just a different mind set. I'm no longer putting myself into situations that could possibly burn me in the end, because instead of results, I'm left toe to toe with this asshole called Consequence. why did I do it? no one seems to know, not even me and that's what blows. am I just drawn to bad luck? I don't know!. but one thing I know is that I have learned my lesson. Yeah it was hard but totally worth it in the end, and through faith I received my blessing. I am a new man with a new plan. success or die. happiness has to wait. Or not maybe my success will wipe the sleight clean and hand me a brand new plate.